Quiet Bias

I was raised Quaker and taught to be concise in my spoken output. I also spent time studying Buddhism, another quiet pursuit. Quiet is a value I was raised with and one I chose. It’s also my inherent personality. I was born quiet.

As a kid, my dad encouraged us not to bloviate. If you’re going to say something, make it worthwhile. Don’t take up people’s time and space with the sound of your own voice. Makes some sense, but this is a world that votes bloviators into highest office. Social media has fostered a world that doesn’t think before it speaks. Instead, we make fun of and deny funding to anyone stopping to think.  

Some people don’t mind that I’m quiet. Some people even appreciate it. But for the most part, it makes folks uncomfortable. There is a very real bias against quiet people. I didn’t notice it much when I worked from home as a writer, but I’ve been experiencing the bias ever since I changed careers. 

The bias against quietness has shown up in lots of places. In grade school, teachers liked me because I didn’t hassle them, but from high school on I lost grade points because I didn’t speak up in rooms full of people. I’m fine talking to up to 4 people, for the most part. But beyond that number, there’s something about my neuro-psychology that makes rooms full of people and noise hellish. I get overwhelmed by input and go into threat mode (aka extra quiet). During my first graduate program, in my 30s, I tried to explain this to a professor and was told that I was too old to have trouble speaking up. Once again, points were taken off my final grade because I didn’t talk more. By the time I went back to grad school for the second time, professors had discovered the usefulness of small groups. I could roll with those. Nonetheless, there was still a lot of emphasis put on speaking in large rooms full of people. Ironically, this was social work school and a lot of what we talked about was neurodiversity and fighting biases against people with disabilities and differences. At the beginning of every semester, professors offered students a chance to discuss learning accommodations. But I learned my lesson in my first round of grad school. Being quiet does not deserve accommodation.

How do you feel about the suggestion that maybe it does? What judgments come up? Are you surprised by any negative associations with quiet people or the idea of making space for them? 

Ask yourself: Why is quietness viewed as a weakness? Why does it make us so uncomfortable? Why do we overvalue aggressive loudmouths to the point where we’ve handed one the power to destroy American democracy? 

I was recently told during an interview that my job required someone outgoing and was asked, in so many words, how I planned to make up for that deficit in my personality. Why was that the question? Why not, what unique strengths will you bring to the job? My abilities to listen, care, and think creatively are complete strengths, not fillers for any kind of lack. Being the loudest person in the room isn’t always a strength.  My actual answer was that there is always room for quiet people in the room because we balance and complement the noise. Sometimes we even cut through it and get to the heart of the matter.

I’m not quiet because I have nothing to say. I’m quiet because it was a value with which I was raised. I’m also quiet because for whatever reason my brain and nervous system take in too much information when I’m surrounded by a lot of people. Give me a one-on-one, a small group, or even a podium talk and you’ll hear what I have to say. And often what I have to say will incorporate what others are thinking and saying. I’m not too busy listening to the sound of my own voice to hear and value your voice. It’s a skill the world needs right now. 

I had a meditation teacher once who suggested that being quiet makes us uncomfortable because we aren’t willing to sit with ourselves. The world is very loud right now.  We could use some quiet (and some peace). Challenge your biases, and find the willingness to sit more quietly with yourself and others.